three going on thirteen

A couple of days ago, I sat down for a twenty-minute chat with Madeline's preschool teacher. It was the second parent-teacher interview that I've been to, and it was a treat to learn about what Madeline enjoys participating in, what her class has been doing, and how she's coming along with social skills. Madeline is usually more interested in talking about what I've made for lunch at home than what she did at school that morning, you see! At the very end of the interview, her teacher brought up an issue that she said she was going to discuss with all of the parents of the little girls in her class.

And what was the issue that was infiltrating the clutch of little three and four year-old girls? Well, they've started to go up to each other and say "I'm not your friend today. I'm only <insert name of schoolmate here>'s friend!" and "You can't sit here! Only <insert name of schoolmate> can sit by me!"

I don't know how big a deal to make out of this, and I'm not sure that Madeline's teacher does, either. Sometime, on the car ride home from preschool, she'd announce, "I was not friends with <insert name of school chum here> today. She played with <insert name>" and I began to wonder how a three year-old girl defines friendship. Is it an enduring thing, or does it exist very much in-the-moment? Is it mutually-exclusive, were A can't be friends with B if B is friends with C?  And are all friendships restored the next day at school after everyone has had a good night's sleep?

It makes me really sad that these lovely little girls in Madeline's class are talking to each other like that. It's a little ... junior high, no?

Comments

[Julie Morrison]

Sounds like Jr. High. By the way, I'm not talking to you today.

[Jan]

It is interesting that it is a girl thing and appears the boys do not bother. I suspect someone has heard older siblings talking and copying them. At least the teacher is aware and can keep an eye on it. I agree it is sad but not sure how one deals with it except to point out how your child would feel with no friends for a day.

[Jan]

It is sad to hear children behaving this way at 3 years but at least the teacher is aware. Perhaps asking your child how they would feel if no one was their friend at school that day they may think more about not doing it. I suspect one child has an older sibling and has heard her talking. Seems to be a a girl thing. I remember how mean at boarding school we were to some girls and often wondered if it had any lasting effect. I hope not.

[Helen]

Benjamin does the same thing with his daycare friends and I don't make a big issue of it. Sometimes even I'm not his friend, and this happens even when we're getting along just fine. I think it is a way for him to express some frustration.

[Julie Morrison]

Still not talking to you.

[Alexandra]

Wow, things really do change a lot, don't they. Hmmm, I think I would be upset if I heard Katrina saying that. I think that I would be inclined not to make a big deal out of it, but I don't think that I could just let it resolve itself on its own time. I would probably ask her what makes someone a friend and then read some books about friendships. Sort of analyze the problem in a roundabout way. Let us know how things pan out.

[Julie Morrison]

I need a new post