Who me? Change?

Before Madeline came along, I don't think that I really liked children. Talking to a child was a painful ordeal for me. I never knew what to say. Should I ask how school is going? If he/she's read any good books lately? I kept remembering how weird it was when I was a little kid and adult acquaintances tried to strike up conversations with me, so I had a policy of merely say "hello", or just smiling while keeping my mouth shut.  Little kids chattered away in their little voices in the crowded movie theatre, distracting my attention away from The Lost World. Why did I go to a matinee, anyway? I still remember going out for lunch with a friend in 1995 and watching in horror as her little brother and sister played tag in the middle of Pizza Hut ...

And now ... Well, I'm crazy about preschool toys and picture books. Proud that I can understand English spoken with a toddler accent. I'm glad that Chris and I take Madeline to the occasional restaurant so that she can figure out the social rules of that type of environment. I think that after Madeline was born, the resident who stitched me up sneaked in a Patience & Understanding Expansion Pack while no one was looking, because I suddenly find myself empathizing with small children left and right. Ten years ago, I never wanted to have a child of my own, and now I secretly hope that a small flock of these wonderful little people lands on my doorstep one of these days.

Before Madeline came along, I was a chicken. One year of being bullied at school really did a number on me, and even ten years later, I still had no faith in my social skills. I moved to Calgary without any friends in the city, and the only ones I made were people that I worked with. I never drove anywhere by myself, lest I get lost or into an accident and have to have an intelligent conversation with a *gasp* stranger/bully-in-waiting. I'm not sure if it was Parenthood-with-a-capital-P that motivated me to get out in the world, or else just Fear-with-a-capital-F that I'd otherwise turn into a hermit with raging PPD, but something changed inside my head when Madeline was three weeks old that made the thought of spending fifty weeks of mat leave without speaking to another adult outside of my husband unbearable. It was sooo hard, at first, to get out. So many scary things to confront. I had to learn how to drive myself places on insane Calgary roads, requiring straightforward routes, and no uncertainty about what lane I needed to be in to make my turns. Second, I needed to be comfortable with the thought of Madeline screaming her little newborn head off from the SnugRide in the backseat while I ignored her and paid attention to the road. And I need to be confident that I could stay calm in the midst of a public newborn meltdown, and be impervious to the Judgment-with-a-capital-J of others while doing so. Twice a week we went to a StrollerFit class.  It truly was an ordeal at first. I struggled with unfolding the stroller. Held my breath every time Madeline would squawk. But you know what? Madeline gave me my courage back. I'll drive on roads that I've been on before if they take us someplace fun for Madeline. I still worry about having to talk to people I don't know, but if they're holding hands with another toddler, I just might be the one to say "hi" first.

There. Two ways in which becoming a parent has changed me.

Fabulous Friday links to read and love:

• The Sanctimommy over at Mom 101. I love this post. I love this reality check.
• I've already mentioned my fondness for picture books in this post, so it just makes sense admit that I've been indulging in A Readable Feast for the last couple of weeks.
• I have to plug Preschool Rock as fellow St. John's resident/mom/writer Stephanie Olsen used some of my recent ranty post in her article The Makings of a Preschool Parent. Isn't that a great name for a website, btw? I must admit that I've been reading some of the other posted articles to prepare me for life with Madeline a year from now :)
• semi-healthy muffin recipes at Ask Moxie.  And my own semi-healthy muffins recipe (just because), posted at Going Domestic. (note: link to muffin recipe has been corrected)

Comments

[Sarah]

Just what I needed this week, healthy "puff" recipes! I recently got back in touch with a friend from high school, and I was telling her that I am hardly the same person at all anymore. Funny how it sneaks up on you though...

[mamapie]

Oh, great post, Laura. Isn't it amazing what motherhood can do to you?

[Jaime]

What a wonderful post. I too had NO idea how to interact with babies, toddlers and kids at all. I am so happy to hear how much you have came out of your shell, what a blessing kids are in so many ways.