do the right thing

On a fairly regular basis, I find myself observing other parents and wondering how on earth their infants and toddlers are ever going to learn anything if they aren't given the opportunity to try, or the opportunity to do something right.

My first experience with this was about a year ago - I attended a nutrition seminar from Raymond Parenting. It was held at the home of a friend of another mom that Madeline and I met in Gymboree class. There were about a dozen babies, of varying ages, in attendance. I think that Madeline was the second-oldest; Allison, the daughter of the hostess, had just turned one. Allison had all sorts of fun toys (perhaps from her recent birthday), and all of the mobile babies swarming around her plastic Fisher Price house because it was the coolest toy they'd ever seen. Of course, Madeline was trying her best to stake out a piece of real estate by the toy house as well.

I knew that babies around Madeline's age experiment with touching and often push and shove aggressively because they don't realize how strong they are, but I watched as Allison's mom would repeatedly and immediately haul her daughter away if she got near another child who was playing with the plastic house, or if another baby approached Allison, she'd grab that kid and remove him/her to a distance that she judged acceptable.  I understand that she didn't want her daughter pummeling another baby any more than she wanted someone else's baby to start beating on Allison, but I was kind of dumbfounded as I watched Allison's mom continue to enforce buffer zones around each of the older babies throughout the entire presentation. I mean, how did she know if Madeline was crawling towards Allison to knock her over or to give her a sweet pat on the shoulder? Madeline admittedly had a history of hair-pulling, but she'd recently turned a corner and was interacting with the other babies really well. She lately had delighted in giving "gentle touches". I fail to understand why Allison's mom didn't want to give her daughter and the other babies the chance to do something right and assumed that they were just going to do something wrong.

It's important to Chris and I that we allow Madeline the opportunity to do something right - the chance to walk down a flight of stairs safely before scooping her up and carrying her down, the chance to drink from a grown-up cup at a restaurant before removing it from her reach, the chance to climb up to the slide at the playground safely on her own before lifting her right to the top. I don't think that this is overly permissive parenting as much as it is an opportunity for Madeline to learn something about independence and a life skill or two. I guess I just don't understand it when I hear of other parents who don't allow their 15 month-olds to feed themselves with a spoon because "it would be too messy" or take their 20 month-olds on errands without strapping them into a stroller because "they might run off". It may be a little more effort to take the time to teach the mechanics of eating or the importance of holding hands in public places, but it's worth it to let your kid know that you trust them to make good decisions, no?

Comments

[nonlineargirl]

I'm with you - I am willing to give Ada some slack and see how things go. We spend a lot of time showing "gentle" and it works sometimes, doesn't work others. Still seems worth trying. I agree that it is hard to expect her to get the concept if we never let her near another kid.

[julie]

Baby fights are fun! Why don't you record it, and send it into America's funniest home video's?

[Chantal]

You know I agree with you! I find that kind of parenting irritating to watch.