mommapalooza

epiphany in a buddhist land

  Madeline at the Teddy Bear Tea 
  Originally uploaded by goingdomestic.

The three of us had the most delightful afternoon today. A few days ago, Chris heard about a Christmas Teddy Bear Tea (in support of UNICEF) at the Peninsula Hotel here in BKK. Since he and I like tea, and Madeline is rather fond of teddy bears, we made a reservation. It was a wonderful event with delicious little finger sandwiches, scones with strawberry and mango jam, a dessert buffet, and (finally!) a good cup of chai tea.  It was kind of like the time that Chris and I, pre-Madeline, had afternoon tea at the Savoy in London. Except, Madeline was with us this time. She introduced the two teddy bears that she'd brought to the large teddy bear (read: person in a head-to-toe bear costume) who came around to our table. She was initially shy when the gentleman in the Santa costume came to chat with her, but an hour later, she happily chattered away with him, delighted with the chocolates and trinkets that he pulled from his sack.  And the magician blew her away with his vanishing red foam balls, his mysteriously-changing deck of cards, and the colouring book where the pictures would appear and disappear when she tapped it with a magic wand ...

I nibbled at my scones and sipped my cup of tea, somewhat disbelieving that we were having tea in a hotel reputed to be the world's best because my three year old was being treated like she was the most important person at our table. I could almost forget that the sun was beating down on the bustling Chao Phraya on the other side of the window to the tune of thirty-eight degrees Celsius in this predominantly Buddhist country because if I looked the other way, I saw a massive and real Christmas tree covered in lights, ornaments and bunting, and hotel staff running around in red-and-white elf outfits. The band was playing holiday music. We'd clearly found a little bit of Christmas spirit, and we had the best time.   

Today was probably the most enjoyable day I've had with my daughter and husband since arriving here five months ago, and Chris and I have already agreed that we'll come again for the Teddy Bear Tea a year from now, and the year after that, if we're still living in Bangkok. In the past, we've tried to fit our family-of-three into the Christmas celebrations of our originating families. We each grew up with different traditions, and it's not always easy to appreciate the differences and have the same feeling of connectedness to practices that we didn't grow up with.  As a threesome, Christmases felt a little untethered.

There was something really comfortable about our tea today. It fit the three of us perfectly. Who knew that we'd find the first Christmas tradition of our own in country where Christmas Day isn't even a holiday.

Revenege of the Needs

It’s become glaringly obvious that Madeline is mastering the art of The Stall. The version that I seem to have the least patience for is “I want/need something”. It usually plays out in the kitchen, before bedtime, and what she’s wanting is a pre-bed nibble of something, but she doesn’t appear to know what, exactly. She abruptly rejects every single snack possibility that I can think of (“No! Not that! I waaaaaaant something!), which is beyond annoying - I end up suggesting at least a dozen different things, and I think that this little game gets old by the time I roll out Suggestion #5, or five whole minutes have elapsed.

Tonight, this scene occurred at Chapters, while I was buying a few birthday gifts. I didn’t mind buying Madeline a $6 picture book because I do feel bad that all of her beloved and dog-eared books are enroute to Bangkok and the bedtime story selection at both of her grandmothers’ houses is small. Except that it took literally thirty minutes to find a book because she didn’t know what she wanted (“No! Not that! I neeeeeed something!”) but apparently, she didn’t want any of the dozens of paperbacks I showed her. Ugh. I am not entirely sure that it’s reasonable of me to expect that a nearly-three-year-old will act 100% gracious about being given a gift, but I think that Madeline was coming in under 15% tonight. I’m hoping that her tiredness was at least 65% to blame …

first time for everything

My husband has experienced a few "firsts" with Madeline this year. Back in March, he took her for her first real haircut. I had no idea. I was at a hair salon myself, and when they picked me up after my appointment, Madeline chirped, "My had my hair cut!" or something like that from the backseat, and I replied, "Yes, Mom had a haircut!" ignoring what I assumed was a grammatical error. But when I looked at her, I saw a tidy and straight set of bangs! Chris said that she was so terrified that she sat perfectly still and silent while in the big chair!

Yesterday, Chris took Madeline out for the afternoon so I could do some pre-move house-painting during daylight hours. When they walked in the door, nearly five hours later, I'd learned that he'd taken her to see her first film in a movie theatre (Meet the Robinsons was the only G-rated film playing). I wryly asked if Madeline had sat patiently enough to catch all of the previews, but apparently, my little girl sat quietly in her seat through the entire feature. Chris asked her a few times if she wanted to go, and each time her response was a "No!". She shared a slushie with her dad, and seemed to enjoy putting it back in the cupholder in the armrest between their seats. The ten minutes that Madeline spent telling me about her afternoon out with her dad was so cute, funny, and amazing that I had tears in my eyes. For so many months, the word that I'd have to use to describe the relationship that Madeline had with Chris was "rough". Seeing the closeness emerge between them over the past couple of months is the best treat ever.

Toddler Rules

Today, Madeline asked me to play a game of hide-and-seek with her. Not just your everyday, garden-variety hide-and-seek", though. "No, Mommy," she said when I started scanning our main floor for a good hiding spot, "You go behind the chair, and I will count!"

Ah. We were going to use Toddler Rules for our game.

Toddler Rules have been cropping up all over lately. There are Toddler Rules for deciding when footwear is required or optional. Toddler Rules also affect the reading of picture books, the singing of songs, and even determine who is permitted to pass the toddler her beverage while we're headed somewhere in the car.  Get the picture?

I must say that I am not always fond of the Toddler Rules. They're making my job as the primary caregiver more challenging and less rewarding. For example, I could respect the Toddler Rules and agree that footwear is optional for the car trip to take Chris to work each morning. I'm a Good Mommy in the eyes of my toddler, but I can feel the glaring eyes of a thousand righteous parents upon me, even if I can't see them. Only Bad Mommies let their kids out of house without shoes, don't you know? The only way to avoid this legitimate, though imaginary, guilt trip is to wrestle a pair of shoes on the protesting and anguished toddler, and then I feel bad for having to fight with her and force her to do something she doesn't want to do. Madeline probably thinks that being the grown-up in a relationship is the best thing ever, but to be honest, sometimes it feels really lousy to be the authority figure. Not a day goes by where I don't silently curse those Toddler Rules.

I am also in awe of the Toddler Rules. My daughter has been growing for 2.5 years and this is her biggest expression of independence. She wants to do thing her way. She's figured out that she's entitled to an opinion, and wants her opinion considered. That's pretty cool, too, isn't it?

cost of convenience

I have vowed that come next winter, I will no longer be driving my trusty 1993 Ford Tempo around Calgary. This shouldn't be too hard to achieve - I'll either be working and able to make a car payment, or else I'll be living somewhere where I won't be driving. My basic motivation for wanting a new car is to get something with some safety features.  Most of the time, to me, that means airbags, stability control, and even good tires (gosh, do I ever regret always buying the cheapest tires for my car. I drove all around Calgary for two winters with Madeline in the back!), but something happened to a Calgary toddler yesterday that reminded me to take a good look at the window controls while I'm test-driving station wagons and hatchbacks. There's an article from Consumer Reports that goes into the different styles of power window controls, and explains that ones that require a user to pull upward on a recessed switch to close the window are the least likely to contribute to a tragedy similar to what happened to that little girl yesterday. Frankly, I wonder whatever happened to having to *roll* a window down and then up again. Was that too much trouble for the average motorist?

I am also sad that a parent left her children unattended in a vehicle, but that's another story ...

Elsewhere around the 'net, I laughed after reading Amalah's post today about her efforts to welcome a Gymboree mini parachute into her home.  I was also pleased to find a discussion of 1-2-3 Magic over at The Mom Trap - I've been debating about buying that one for awhile, and now I wish that I had so that I could read along!

Screaming for our supper

No one noticed the cute little girl who ran to the front of the dining section at The Keg on Wednesday night, let out a single piercing scream, and then laughed as she ran back to her booth, right? Right?

That's what I thought.

Dining out with Madeline is usually a manageable endeavor. As long as she likes the food, and there are crayons or packets of sugar to investigate, she's good (ie. happy to sit still) for at least forty minutes at a restaurant. That's okay with me. I believe in respecting her attention span and ability to curb her urge to move, move, move; Madeline's only two, for heaven's sake. Right now Madeline is rejecting sitting in her booster here at home and highchairs at restaurants, so remaining seated through the meal is something that she's still learning, and I actually have noticed improvement this week.  The was a post on Blogging Baby earlier this week (this one here) that asked what parents do to keep their kids amused when dining out, and Chris and I have had to adapt to Madeline's level of development in this regard. For awhile, all we needed to bring was a container of Cheerios, because sticking Cheerios onto a skinny straw to make a "kebab" for her was the high of amusement when she was around a year old. We've done crayons and markers, and those little containers of playdough. My newest trick to bring out my iPod where I've downloaded several Pixar shorts, which helps to fill the time between when she's done eating, but Chris and I are not. A few of the commenters in the BB article kind of go all Sanctimommy at the idea of toting objects of amusements into restaurants because they just "talk to their children", and it really bugged me at first, but I've come to the conclusion that their kids are more Thinkers than Movers. I could engage Madeline in dinner conversation for an hour straight, but she would still want to do something physical. So, we chat and see how high she can stalk containers of cream, draw shapes, etc.

We're still allowing Madeline to learn the social rules of dining out, but we just have to go about it in a different way.

Fab "First of December" Friday Links ...

• Mitten clips! I couldn't justify buying the Snug as Bug ones, so I bid on and won a pair from eBay earlier this week. They're pretty cute, and a lot less spendy. The seller makes them herself and they're also available on her etsy site here.
• The iCrib! I'm not going to buy one, but I think it's cool. Madeline is content with her Ocean Wonders Aquarium, though I must admit that her bedtime lullabies are the most played track on my iPod! Courtesy of Parent Hacks.
• Coolest baby announcements ever: 5starbaby.

Who me? Change?

Before Madeline came along, I don't think that I really liked children. Talking to a child was a painful ordeal for me. I never knew what to say. Should I ask how school is going? If he/she's read any good books lately? I kept remembering how weird it was when I was a little kid and adult acquaintances tried to strike up conversations with me, so I had a policy of merely say "hello", or just smiling while keeping my mouth shut.  Little kids chattered away in their little voices in the crowded movie theatre, distracting my attention away from The Lost World. Why did I go to a matinee, anyway? I still remember going out for lunch with a friend in 1995 and watching in horror as her little brother and sister played tag in the middle of Pizza Hut ...

And now ... Well, I'm crazy about preschool toys and picture books. Proud that I can understand English spoken with a toddler accent. I'm glad that Chris and I take Madeline to the occasional restaurant so that she can figure out the social rules of that type of environment. I think that after Madeline was born, the resident who stitched me up sneaked in a Patience & Understanding Expansion Pack while no one was looking, because I suddenly find myself empathizing with small children left and right. Ten years ago, I never wanted to have a child of my own, and now I secretly hope that a small flock of these wonderful little people lands on my doorstep one of these days.

Before Madeline came along, I was a chicken. One year of being bullied at school really did a number on me, and even ten years later, I still had no faith in my social skills. I moved to Calgary without any friends in the city, and the only ones I made were people that I worked with. I never drove anywhere by myself, lest I get lost or into an accident and have to have an intelligent conversation with a *gasp* stranger/bully-in-waiting. I'm not sure if it was Parenthood-with-a-capital-P that motivated me to get out in the world, or else just Fear-with-a-capital-F that I'd otherwise turn into a hermit with raging PPD, but something changed inside my head when Madeline was three weeks old that made the thought of spending fifty weeks of mat leave without speaking to another adult outside of my husband unbearable. It was sooo hard, at first, to get out. So many scary things to confront. I had to learn how to drive myself places on insane Calgary roads, requiring straightforward routes, and no uncertainty about what lane I needed to be in to make my turns. Second, I needed to be comfortable with the thought of Madeline screaming her little newborn head off from the SnugRide in the backseat while I ignored her and paid attention to the road. And I need to be confident that I could stay calm in the midst of a public newborn meltdown, and be impervious to the Judgment-with-a-capital-J of others while doing so. Twice a week we went to a StrollerFit class.  It truly was an ordeal at first. I struggled with unfolding the stroller. Held my breath every time Madeline would squawk. But you know what? Madeline gave me my courage back. I'll drive on roads that I've been on before if they take us someplace fun for Madeline. I still worry about having to talk to people I don't know, but if they're holding hands with another toddler, I just might be the one to say "hi" first.

There. Two ways in which becoming a parent has changed me.

Fabulous Friday links to read and love:

• The Sanctimommy over at Mom 101. I love this post. I love this reality check.
• I've already mentioned my fondness for picture books in this post, so it just makes sense admit that I've been indulging in A Readable Feast for the last couple of weeks.
• I have to plug Preschool Rock as fellow St. John's resident/mom/writer Stephanie Olsen used some of my recent ranty post in her article The Makings of a Preschool Parent. Isn't that a great name for a website, btw? I must admit that I've been reading some of the other posted articles to prepare me for life with Madeline a year from now :)
• semi-healthy muffin recipes at Ask Moxie.  And my own semi-healthy muffins recipe (just because), posted at Going Domestic. (note: link to muffin recipe has been corrected)

as if she wasn't growing up fast enough!

So, we're moving back to Calgary soon, and you'd think that I'd be worrying about packing, figuring out where to donate nearly brand-new crib, and the 3.5 hour time change, but I'm not (not yet, anyways). I've been going a little crazy about whether we should see if any preschools might accept a new student (that student being Madeline) in January. Yes. That's what has been keeping me up at night.

But you know what? She's two. She won't start kindergarten for until she's five. I am quite aware of how much she enjoys interacting with other toddlers, and know how valuable the socialization is for her. It's probably okay if she doesn't start preschool just yet. If I could find something like Early Achievers in Calgary, I'm sure that both Chris and I would be all for signing her up for a morning a week. But I can't find anything similar, the great majority of the preschools will only accept kids who've already turned three, and frankly, we could enroll her in a plethora of those Gymboree-type classes AND swimming AND Kindermusik* and it would cost us less each month :)  I think we'll be okay if I skip placing somewhat-panicky long-distance calls to Calgary preschools.

This week's fun links:

• Some concerned and informed parent made a short little movie about the relative safety of rear-facing carseats versus forward-facing carseats in a collision and posted it to YouTube. I understood the risks of turning a seat forward before seeing this video, but I think that this might help broadcast the message to the skeptics out there.
• Things to Do in San Francisco with a Toddler, from CityMama (a long-time fave blogger of mine). I love this. All we need are plane tickets now :)
• Mitten clips! I like these ones from Snug as a Bug, though I am not sure I'm going to order them as the clips themselves are under $5, but the shipping is a minimum of $8.95. I might email them as ask if the clips might be able to be posted in an envelope instead. Madeline lost a terrifically cute purple-and-green-striped handknit mitten at the grocery store last winter, and I'd rather skip a repeat performance.

* Not that we would sign my toddler up for that many things at the same time. We've found that 2-3 scheduled activities in seven-day period is just the right amount.

the gig's getting old

Has anyone ever paused, mid-thought, to wonder, "What would Mick Jagger do?" 

Maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but Chris and I have a groupie problem. I'm not sure if it's one that Mick and Keith could relate to, but it's causing some degree of strife in our household. Madeline, as it turns out, is a one-person groupie, and the object of her devotion is me. Only I am worthy of reading her stories, tending to her bath, accepting the half-eaten Mum-Mum wafer that she's offering from the back seat of the car, getting her snack, wiping her hands, unbuckling her carseat ...

... hmm. As a re-read what I've typed, I realize that maybe I have it all wrong. Perhaps she's not my groupie - maybe I'm her indentured servant! Ugh! But I digress, really ...

This preferential treatment is annoying. Madeline has a dad who would love to cuddle her on his lap and read Franklin. Instead she insists "Mommy read!" as if I haven't read her a book in months when it's the 23rd picture book of the day and the dishes that I'm in the middle of washing aren't at all important. The result of this is that Chris feels slighted and I feel like I have more responsibilities than I can manage. Ironically, the old issue of Today's Parent that I brought to the gym earlier this week had an article on this topic. The folks there had a few insights, speculating that the reason why Madeline wants me to read Story #23 is because I read Story #22 - it's what she's used to. They don't suggest that the other parent merely toss in the towel, but rather acknowledge their child's feelings first and talk about that a bit.  I laughed when I read that, imagining Chris saying, "Madeline, I can see that you're feeling upset that I'm going to read the story when you want mommy to read it" while Madeline has turned into a sputtering purple creature trying to drag me to the sofa by my back pocket ...

The good stuff for this Friday:

• I recently discovered that Madeline likes beans. She'll gobble chickpeas and black beans in soup up like they're peanut M&Ms, but I was surprised to see her scarf up the green beans at my parents' house this summer. She wasn't a fan of the batch of pureed green beans that I made for her a year and a half ago ... Anyway, I brought this tidbit up as it's Bean Week over at familyfood with a recipe for lentils with pancetta and chicken with any bean chili, which I am hoping to try one night next week, if I remember to put the ingredients on my grocery list and then remember to bring the grocery list to the store ...
• Just in time for the holidays, Chapters/Indigo has launched an online toy store. They have some really cool stuff - lots of Melissa & Doug, Crocodile Creek, and the nifty art/craft stuff from Alex.
• What to Look for in a Daycare is another smart post (really, is there any other kind?) by Mary P over at Partners in Parenting. I haven't embarked on a daycare search yet, but I probably will be doing just that in about four months, so I'm glad to have stumbled upon this post. Even the comments are good reading!

Single Parenting Report: Day 5

I am beginning to suspect that Madeline thinks that her dad has been flying around on an airplane for five solid days. Sometimes she says, "Dad in Calgary!" but most of the time she talks about him on the plane, eating cookies.

I haven't really done any cooking since Chris left. Madeline and I are enjoying a tour of frozen leftovers and frozen entrees. We've gone through two days of lasagna, a mozza and spinach pizza, and a turkey pot pie. Tonight it's baked cod with dressing.  Tomorrow, I might actually make spaghetti, but if I'm feeling lazy again I have a Shepard's Pie in the freezer to fall back upon :)